Sunday, November 20, 2011

The Key to a Happy Marriage...


I am sitting here, with our lighted Christmas tree in my peripheral, reflecting on the things Dr. C. Richard Chidester shared, in a combined adult session at church today, talking about “The Importance of Relationships.”

He talked about how we, as human beings, have to feel bonded to someone / something as a primal emotional need.

He discussed with us how important the “bonds” are with one’s spouse and how, if those bonds are not met within the marital relationship, people began to stray.  

As I understand it, this idea of “straying” doesn’t always mean a sexual affair with a person of the opposite sex but people WILL bond with others, and other things, outside the marriage (i.e. friends, children, work, exercise, eating and of course people of the opposite sex, etc.)

Though basic, it rings true as I view the relationship I have with Holly and then as I look at relationships within my own circles. 

The presence, or lack, of an emotional connection with one’s spouse is where you’ll see the growth, or dissolution, of the relationship.  Emotions override cognition, so for a marriage to be truly happy there must be an emotional bond, not just a “wish list” of traits checked off of a “What I Want in a Spouse” list.

More to come from today's discussion.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Travel...

Sitting on a plane last night, I watched out the window as the lights flashed at the end of the wing.  I was fixated, not on what I was seeing, but on what I was hearing.  I was listening to some of my favorite 80’s music and as each song’s first notes resonated in my headset, an instant memory accompanied the tune.

“I can’t believe I’m 34!” I kept thinking to myself, while reflecting on the memories companioned with the music.  Two kids, two dogs and a wife at home and I wondered what they were doing as I sat, uncomfortably close, to a woman, nodding in-and-out of sleep. 

I could feel my heart, physically aching to be with them.  Holly is such a good mom, I know they’re fine at home, but selfishly I want to be the one to brush teeth and say prayers before bed.

I’ve traveled over 110,000 miles this year, which is halfway to the moon, literally.  From Bentonville (yesterday) to Philly, Minneapolis, Chicago, LA, Toronto, Detroit, NYC, Tampa, Houston, Boston and many, many other places and most of those cities more than a half dozen times. 

The biggest perk, from all the travel is NOT the upgrades to First Class, the weird “warm towel” they give you there (for which use, I still not not), the free airline tickets, compensated food and a chance to see the country/world on someone else’s dime. 

The biggest perk, the thing to which I look forward to the most, the time I daydream about as I adjust over and over and over again, in my seat, each time I travel…

To hear my kids scream when I walk in the door. 

I cherish how overly exaggerated my children’s reactions are the moment they hear the buckle of my laptop bag hit the ground; Tessa’s gasp and subsequent squeal; Landon’s exclamation, “Dad!”  Then the small, in-home version, of the "Running of the Bulls."

I don’t love to travel; I love to come home!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Holly did really well...

I honestly have NO idea why I stay up so late...  I was even tired at 10:30pm but had to do a couple things and the next thing I know, it's TOO late.

After much deliberation and consideration, Holly decided to begin the medication (I don't even know what it's called, she's said it a couple times but I haven't tried to even commit it to memory) to induce her body to, let's say, "start anew."

Holly did really well, all things considered.  I took the two hooligans out so she could have a break, after another neighbor brought a delicious dinner, where we went to the grocery store and Office Max.  We had only two episodes; one where Tessa, unbeknownst to me, opened up the bag of grapes I put in the cart and began snacking (ugh...  the lack of at least rinsing them makes my nose wrinkle in disgust) and then when I accidentally walked by the candy area of the Office Max.  The two broke out, in an ear piercing harmony of song in frustration, when I walked away without fulfilling their requests.

As I was saying, Holly did really well.  The cramping, from her explanation, was painful but she didn't complain much as she lay quietly on the couch watching "Housewives of Orange County"; she endured the stomach pains, while I endured the pains of subjecting myself to that odd group of women in Southern California and their TV Show.

One of the things that kept me up tonight was looking through pictures on the computer.  I stumbled on a collection of images captured by Landon.  It's always funny to me to see what he elects to photograph but it warms my heart as I peruse his collection.









I did notice he has a favorite subject...  Or at least one at his same eye level.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

The Spotlight...


Anyone who knows Holly knows she’s not one to call the attention of the spotlight.  This understood, you could imagine how uncomfortable the idea of talking about the miscarriage, to those who knew we were expecting, might be for her.

This Sunday, however, was one where “playing hooky” just wasn’t in the cards.  It was the Primary Program, where our first (Landon) had his debut performance.  I must say, his over exaggerated actions to the song, “Book of Mormon Stories” was enough to hold the attention of even the most “busy bodied” two-year-old, his sister, Tessa.  The ultimate bowing of the head, at the cued line “…if they lived, righteously” might even require a supportive neck brace, as he nearly toppled over forward at the completion of the song.

Holly entered the meeting, just as the opening song’s first notes bellowed throughout the chapel.  At the end of the performance she dodged and weaved to her primary class upon the “Amen” from the congregation, closing the meeting.

Those who did get to talk to Holly were extremely sweet and empathetic.  Today, again, we learned of many other women who’ve dealt with the sad task of a lost baby.  Though each experience these women faced is unique, the common sentiment is "understanding."

The next phase of the process will be another hurdle of physical and emotional stress.  We were told, on Friday, there are three choices.  The first was to wait and see if Holly naturally begins the process to miscarry, yet the Dr. recommended we not wait too long to make the next decision.  The next two choices were to either take an oral prescription to assist starting the cycle or finally, surgery (D&C procedure) to remove the baby.

On Monday, Holly will call the Dr. to talk about the later two choices as we’re anxious to have a new little one in our home (and we already have two dogs, so we’re not considering any other “hairy” additions).

Landon never ceases to cause us laughter and sometimes a little embarrassment.  It was after church today, that he induced another round of bewildered head shaking.  

As Holly exited the building on her way home, a good friend stopped her to give her a hug and just offer support.

It was only a few minutes into the conversation, where a persistent nag from Landon of indiscernible ramblings Holly agreed to "something" to quiet the interruptions.

Without understanding to what she had just agreed, it was seconds later that she realized, due to the reactions of her friend and others leaving the building, it was something of general none “PC” behavior.

Holly quickly turned to see Landon, facing the opposite direction, with his little bottom peaking out between the bottom of his sweater and top of his pants.  Landon had found a gutter at the end of the parking lot and elected to relieve himself there.

Obviously, Landon doesn't share the same issues, as his mom, of "spotlight" attention.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Starting Point...

In everything temporal there is a starting point; this is mine. 

My eyes still welcome the long blinks, as relief from the burning.  In my “early” 30’s I don’t find I cry very much but when I do, the rest of my body suffers from the residual affects.  Tonight, my eyes and head remind me yesterday was no fun.

I love Fridays.  Really though, who doesn’t? 

The plan for this Friday happened to be especially sweet.  I’ve been traveling for work, more than normal, over the last several weeks and I knew once I left for lunch I wouldn’t be back to the office.  Instead, I was having lunch with my dad, little sister, wife and two favorite kiddos, my kiddos.

After lunch, I intended to go to a Dr.’s appointment with Holly, the first Dr.’s appointment of her third pregnancy and our assumed last child.  After which, I was going to take Landon (my four-year-old) to the 5A State Football Semi-Finals.  The game would end just in time for me to get ready for a “date night” with Holly and the kids would enjoy a fun filled visit from Grammy / Grammy babysitting.

At the Dr.’s, I did what anyone my age, gender and lack of maturity would do and joked with Holly about the pictures in the office; they’re so graphic when you’ve not properly prepared.

This appointment seemed to go on forever.  We got there 15 minutes early, Holly filled out the paperwork while I played on my phone.  From there we went into the room where Holly was to be “checked” and were then told our Dr. had to run and deliver another baby.  Holly packed up her things as they ushered us into the “lab” to do blood work, etc.  More than an hour passed and I realized I wasn’t going to make it to the Football Game. 

Once the Dr. came into the room, we started with the normal pleasantries and “congratulations”.  After running through the paperwork, and as a last step, the OB brought out the ultrasound machine.

The Dr. struggled to find the baby but dismissed it as, “You’re the third person today that has had too much in the way to see the baby.”  The next ultrasound is a little more invasive (not for me, necessarily, I was fine) for Holly. 

Holly’s Dr. grew suspiciously quiet, then began with the questions of when we first tested “positive” for pregnancy, her first day of last menstrual cycle, etc. 

The Dr., while questioning Holly, began cleaning up the equipment.  She then sat Holly up, stepped back and perched on the rolling stool directly in front of Holly and said, “The baby is measuring at about six-weeks.  Based on when you said you learned you were pregnant, you should be measuring at more than 10 weeks.  Also, considering I cannot find a heartbeat…  I’m sorry, Holly, this looks like a miscarriage.”

As I now type, I can feel my forehead tensed and wrinkled.  I’m confident it’s the same expression I wore yesterday afternoon.

So many questions, so much confusion and then…   the emotion. 

My eyes tingled as tears coated them.  Holly was so strong and it wasn’t until she spoke that I heard and saw her heartbreak. 

“I’m sorry.” she said, her cheeks damp and eyes red, “It’s just we’ve been trying for so long now.”

Holly’s Dr. is great; she gave us a tremendous amount of information, which was very helpful.  I learned, however, on our quiet, tear themed ride home, Holly didn’t hear a word.   Her mind raced as she reflected on the impressions she’d had over the last four weeks.  She knew and had felt something was wrong but didn’t want to vocalize it.

Thanks to text message, we didn’t have to rehash the bad news with the limited number of people who knew we were expecting.  Though impersonal, it’s a wonderful tool to avoid the recharging and depletion of full emotional range.

It’s been only about 34 hours since the Dr.’s visit but we’ve learned a lot over that time. 

We’ve learned just how often this happens.  We’ve learned just how many other women, in our small circle of friends, have also felt and dealt with the loss of a hopeful new spirit.  We’ve learned what happens next and what to expect over the next few weeks and months.

We’ve also learned, or were reminded again and above all else, how blessed we are to have such great people around us, who love and support us.

This is my chance as a Husband / Dad / Brother/ Son / Guy to share my perspective on life.  This is my opportunity to document and journal some of my views and experiences for my kids.

This is my starting point.