Starting Point...

In everything temporal there is a starting point; this is mine. 

My eyes still welcome the long blinks, as relief from the burning.  In my “early” 30’s I don’t find I cry very much but when I do, the rest of my body suffers from the residual affects.  Tonight, my eyes and head remind me yesterday was no fun.

I love Fridays.  Really though, who doesn’t? 

The plan for this Friday happened to be especially sweet.  I’ve been traveling for work, more than normal, over the last several weeks and I knew once I left for lunch I wouldn’t be back to the office.  Instead, I was having lunch with my dad, little sister, wife and two favorite kiddos, my kiddos.

After lunch, I intended to go to a Dr.’s appointment with Holly, the first Dr.’s appointment of her third pregnancy and our assumed last child.  After which, I was going to take Landon (my four-year-old) to the 5A State Football Semi-Finals.  The game would end just in time for me to get ready for a “date night” with Holly and the kids would enjoy a fun filled visit from Grammy / Grammy babysitting.

At the Dr.’s, I did what anyone my age, gender and lack of maturity would do and joked with Holly about the pictures in the office; they’re so graphic when you’ve not properly prepared.

This appointment seemed to go on forever.  We got there 15 minutes early, Holly filled out the paperwork while I played on my phone.  From there we went into the room where Holly was to be “checked” and were then told our Dr. had to run and deliver another baby.  Holly packed up her things as they ushered us into the “lab” to do blood work, etc.  More than an hour passed and I realized I wasn’t going to make it to the Football Game. 

Once the Dr. came into the room, we started with the normal pleasantries and “congratulations”.  After running through the paperwork, and as a last step, the OB brought out the ultrasound machine.

The Dr. struggled to find the baby but dismissed it as, “You’re the third person today that has had too much in the way to see the baby.”  The next ultrasound is a little more invasive (not for me, necessarily, I was fine) for Holly. 

Holly’s Dr. grew suspiciously quiet, then began with the questions of when we first tested “positive” for pregnancy, her first day of last menstrual cycle, etc. 

The Dr., while questioning Holly, began cleaning up the equipment.  She then sat Holly up, stepped back and perched on the rolling stool directly in front of Holly and said, “The baby is measuring at about six-weeks.  Based on when you said you learned you were pregnant, you should be measuring at more than 10 weeks.  Also, considering I cannot find a heartbeat…  I’m sorry, Holly, this looks like a miscarriage.”

As I now type, I can feel my forehead tensed and wrinkled.  I’m confident it’s the same expression I wore yesterday afternoon.

So many questions, so much confusion and then…   the emotion. 

My eyes tingled as tears coated them.  Holly was so strong and it wasn’t until she spoke that I heard and saw her heartbreak. 

“I’m sorry.” she said, her cheeks damp and eyes red, “It’s just we’ve been trying for so long now.”

Holly’s Dr. is great; she gave us a tremendous amount of information, which was very helpful.  I learned, however, on our quiet, tear themed ride home, Holly didn’t hear a word.   Her mind raced as she reflected on the impressions she’d had over the last four weeks.  She knew and had felt something was wrong but didn’t want to vocalize it.

Thanks to text message, we didn’t have to rehash the bad news with the limited number of people who knew we were expecting.  Though impersonal, it’s a wonderful tool to avoid the recharging and depletion of full emotional range.

It’s been only about 34 hours since the Dr.’s visit but we’ve learned a lot over that time. 

We’ve learned just how often this happens.  We’ve learned just how many other women, in our small circle of friends, have also felt and dealt with the loss of a hopeful new spirit.  We’ve learned what happens next and what to expect over the next few weeks and months.

We’ve also learned, or were reminded again and above all else, how blessed we are to have such great people around us, who love and support us.

This is my chance as a Husband / Dad / Brother/ Son / Guy to share my perspective on life.  This is my opportunity to document and journal some of my views and experiences for my kids.

This is my starting point.